What have you been doing?

Yesterday, By the time I came home from running my daughter back from her college class and doing a number of errands, I wanted to just sit.  I mean, my body was kind of hurting from working out at the gym the day before and I just wanted to do nothing.  Of course, it was 5pm and every one of my kids wanted to eat.  A mother’s work is never done.  So, I made dinner.  (Which oddly enough I think came out pretty well…. who knew Dollar Tree steak fries, that I seasoned, frozen broccoli and some garlic chicken breast would turn out so good… but, I digress.)  Where was I?

Oh, after making dinner and actually eating it, I sat down at my computer desk and thought

“Okay, maybe I’ll play some Fallout New Vegas.”

I proceeded to look for the controller and get the Xbox One all set up. About ten minutes in I was like

“Nope, not what I want to do…”

So, I changed the HDMI over to my computer screen and loaded up Netflix on a new tab.  Don’t judge me but I literally can have like 6 or 7 Chrome tabs open at any given moment.  (No wonder my computer hates me sometimes..)

Now if you haven’t had a chance to see the show Mindhunter and actually like weird shows about serial killers and why they turn out that way, this show is for you.  It isn’t way up there on my Oh Let’s Watch This List, but hey, I have been binging (is this how you spell this?) a ton of stuff lately and I’m still looking for something really good.  For now, this works.  But then… it hits me.

I’ve done “NOTHING” creative in a while.  I ponder this for a few moments…

“What have I been doing with all my time?” 

As I said before, binge-watching shows being one of them.  Also, Facebook, have you ever noticed how much time you spend just scrolling down that feed?  Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with looking to see what your family and friends are up to.  Honestly, some of my friends and family have way more interesting lives than I do.  But then I ask…

“Why is that?”

Why is my one high school friends always going to all the nerd shows?  Comic-Cons, Steampunk conventions, Themeparks and other neat nerdy stuff.  What about my cousin who is always searching for new places to do her daily walks.  I mean, I could (in theory) do these things right?  Do I want to do these things?

“What AM I doing with my life?”

GaryVee ( Gary Vaynerchuk if you aren’t following this guy and want a push to get you into gear, you should be, he’s on like all the social media sites) posted this the other day on Instagram… which kind of hit me in the face and it has been simmering there ever since.

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  • garyvee  THIS .. is mindset shit .. too many of you lost before you started cause you were looking for the excuse! Lets go … no one gives a shit about your problems, they’ve got their own ..focus on the good, look for he opportunity, ponder the alternatives, deploy perspective.. lets go …

I realized that the only thing stopping me from doing the things I want to do… is me.  I don’t feel good enough and keep using excuses not to do things. I know, you are probably saying to yourself, “Well der Em, we all know that!”  Me realizing this is huge though.

So, what did I do?  I kept the Mindhunter show playing because well, I need some kind noise when I’m being creative, and I started working on a drawing I’ve been thinking about for a couple of weeks now.  I literally had already done few quick sketches of it to see how I wanted the composition to be in my sketchbook.  This was around 8:30pm or so.  Around 1am, I looked up and realized I needed to go to sleep as I had to be up at 6am (You can see the previous post to see why that insanity is a daily thing..)

So, this is what I ended up with for my roughly 3.5 hours of work.

 

So yeah, instead of just sitting here vegging and doing nothing with my life for that time, I was able to actually produce something that kind of makes me proud.  So now, this begs the question…

“What have you been doing lately?”

Till next time…

~em

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That moment you realize…

That moment you realize...

As I was going to sit down with my cup of iced coffee this morning, I realized that I do the same thing every morning when I wake up. Unless I’m ill (which sadly does happen), these same things happen.  It almost happens like a program that is running through my head.  So what do I do… (I know I know, Em do we really care? bear with me though k?)

First..

The alarms, yes I said alarms because it really does take more than one.  They aren’t close to me.  One is Alexa.  Amazon’s Echo device AI that pretty much won’t shut up till I am loud enough for her to hear me.  God forbid I have laryngitis one day. Second is my cell phone alarm.  This one goes off and then tells me the weather and the current news.  I don’t remember installing this feature but I don’t hate it.  My cell phone alarm literally takes me getting up out of my bed and walking to my desk to make it shut up.

So yeah. I’m out of bed now.

I don’t know about you but I then must go to the bathroom.  I’m sure you know after sleeping the body must go potty!! or am I the only one this happens to?  Well, either way there I go… (watches as past me plods and bumps her way into the bathroom since she never turns on any lights)  While in there I make the mistake of looking in the mirror while I wash my hands.  This is when I pull out a clean washcloth douse it in hot water and press it to my face.  When did my eyes start sinking into the head like this and why the heck are my cheeks so puffy…  I digress.  After a couple of minutes of doing this a number of times, I now feel like I can leave the room to wake up my youngest daughter.  6am seems to be much earlier right after summer time.

Waking her up is either very easy or EXTREMELY difficult.  Some days I walk in there and she is already putting on her uniform. Others, I have to climb up her ladder and pull out her leg… (After rereading this I realized I put that I pulled “OUT” her leg, this oddly enough is not true, I pull “at” her leg… Though pulling out gives a really weird “she’s a barbie doll” image in my head, so yeah, kind of creepy, and we’ll go with AT. ) At thirteen years she is as tall as me, so it’s not fun.

Finally, she is moving.

I ask where her lunchbox and water bottle is.  We go through this every day.  I don’t know why she refuses to put her things in the kitchen when she gets home from school but there you go.  Same questions, different day.  Carrying said items into the kitchen, I then proceed to wash the water bottle, refill it and then put snacks into the lunchbox.  This is a process in itself because I don’t ever put the items all in the same spot.  Why don’t I do this and make things easier on myself?  Well, sometimes it is because it is fresh fruit or something that needs to be refrigerated or it is because I don’t want anyone to eat them and then she doesn’t have them.  Fun stuff.

Now, what I really want after doing that is coffee.  Like, I wanted coffee the moment I woke up but yeah, I basically have to bribe myself to get my morning chores done.  So I sort any dishes there might be from the previous night and do those before I allow myself the pleasure of coffee.  When it is colder warm coffee is great, but since it is still pretty warm I brew some Keurig coffee and then add it to a cup of ice.

By the time, I have coffee and the dishes are done. For me, doing dishes involves cleaning up the whole kitchen area. My mother is banging on my door as she is the one who takes my daughter to school.  I open the door “Good Morning Mom, she is coming.”  Door closed.  Now either my daughter is walking out with her bag towards me or I have to go and tell her four times she needs to hurry as her grandmother is waiting.  (Something which my mother isn’t too fond of)  Kissing her on the head, I wish her a good day as she walks out.

Now it’s time to feed the catch.  (Here, I meant to say “cat”, this is the problem with writing a post at 7am I guess. ) Who has been pretty much circling my feet since I waddled to the bathroom almost 45 minutes ago.  At which point, I make him sit down and pour 1/4 cup of dry cat food into his plate.  Why do I make him sit?  Well, basically before I started doing this I would end up pouring food on top of his head because he is a cat and has no patience.  Now he sits there and waits when I say “sit down”.  Yes, I know he isn’t a dog, but I was determined.  I change out his water after washing his bowl and look to see what I should eat.

I hate this part.  It is me first trying to figure out how hungry I am and then asking myself what do I plan on doing today.  Sometimes it involves a carnation good start shake with almond milk or it is actual food.  Today it was a bowl of cheerios with some honey on top.  I’ll grab something else after I drop my middle daughter off at school. After foraging for food I walk into my room, set my breakfast on my desk and make my bed.  I make my bed every single day.  It is a weird mix of the military training and me wanting to be able to say I accomplished “something” every day.

Now my morning chores are done and here I sit typing up this crazy post after realizing that I do these same things every weekday.  The weekends are a bit more lax (Grammarly is insisting that I put laxer but I swear that doesn’t sound right!!)  but yeah.  Do you guys do the same things in the morning or am I the only crazy person?  It is then that after I sit down at my desk that I pull out my daily planner and make a list of stuff that needs to get done.  Bed and dishes are immediately crossed off.  (Points added to mental score for the day at this point)  I wonder if I was to give myself points for everything I do how much I would rack up.

So yeah, that’s my morning in a nutshell.  Now, where is my coffee, omgosh did I leave it in the kitchen!!

*runs off the get it*

Till next time…

~em

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My Moment with the Backpack

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     Today I was walking through the bread aisle at our local grocery store and happened to notice that there was a backpack in a cart pushed over to the side of the aisle.  Just sitting there by itself and my daughter looked at it and said. “We should move from this section, you never know…” The way she said it obviously giving off implications that there might be a bomb in this unattended backpack.  This moment stands out to me because I got home and was like, “Why was that so scary?”

At what point did this threat become so real.  I mean prior to being in the military the closest I came to a moment such as this was how the airport would say, “If you see an unattended language please report it,” over the intercom.  (or something to that effect, I never actually worked at the airport and I didn’t go to very many places that involved plane travel so bear with me.)   After serving in the military, which included the Gulf War, I still wasn’t afraid in my own country.

For me it more was post 9/11 that I became aware that the violence could directly affect me and my children.  We were living in Ohio and literally lived next to the airport.  That was a very real fear at the time.  Now it seems silly.  Looking back we would have been fine had I stayed in Ohio, in my comfy 3 story condo. (mourn the loss)  I think living here in Massachusetts it was more the Boston Marathon incident that made it so personal and that these things could happen close to us.

Going back to that moment in the grocery store, there was that fear.  I think many people might have this sitting in the back of their minds and now and again it pops up.  My mind goes to a world that turns from this overstocked markets to one where we are wartorn, carrying around weapons and trading our possessions just to feed our families.

It is then that I realize that for some people THAT is their reality. That this exists in the world and that we would turn away people who are running from that life makes me sad.  Sad as a person.  Sad as a mother.  That it seems like that underlying fear that now rests there in the back of our minds tells us that it is okay that we act like that.  That we need to take care of our country, our families.  Do I deny that I want to do that? No, of course I want to help those close to me and around me, but I also want to be able to look back at my life and know that I was a good person, that I tried to be a positive being in this universe.

So yeah, just some thoughts I had in my head that I figured I would share.

~Em