My Moment with the Backpack

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     Today I was walking through the bread aisle at our local grocery store and happened to notice that there was a backpack in a cart pushed over to the side of the aisle.  Just sitting there by itself and my daughter looked at it and said. “We should move from this section, you never know…” The way she said it obviously giving off implications that there might be a bomb in this unattended backpack.  This moment stands out to me because I got home and was like, “Why was that so scary?”

At what point did this threat become so real.  I mean prior to being in the military the closest I came to a moment such as this was how the airport would say, “If you see an unattended language please report it,” over the intercom.  (or something to that effect, I never actually worked at the airport and I didn’t go to very many places that involved plane travel so bear with me.)   After serving in the military, which included the Gulf War, I still wasn’t afraid in my own country.

For me it more was post 9/11 that I became aware that the violence could directly affect me and my children.  We were living in Ohio and literally lived next to the airport.  That was a very real fear at the time.  Now it seems silly.  Looking back we would have been fine had I stayed in Ohio, in my comfy 3 story condo. (mourn the loss)  I think living here in Massachusetts it was more the Boston Marathon incident that made it so personal and that these things could happen close to us.

Going back to that moment in the grocery store, there was that fear.  I think many people might have this sitting in the back of their minds and now and again it pops up.  My mind goes to a world that turns from this overstocked markets to one where we are wartorn, carrying around weapons and trading our possessions just to feed our families.

It is then that I realize that for some people THAT is their reality. That this exists in the world and that we would turn away people who are running from that life makes me sad.  Sad as a person.  Sad as a mother.  That it seems like that underlying fear that now rests there in the back of our minds tells us that it is okay that we act like that.  That we need to take care of our country, our families.  Do I deny that I want to do that? No, of course I want to help those close to me and around me, but I also want to be able to look back at my life and know that I was a good person, that I tried to be a positive being in this universe.

So yeah, just some thoughts I had in my head that I figured I would share.

~Em

When it is over.

Today I packed up the last of your things.
It hurt me.
It felt like I was saying goodbye to my future.
In a way, I guess I was.
The future I had seen in my mind with us..
it is packed up in there.
It hurts so much knowing that I was trying so hard.
and that under all the crazy,
I know that you loved me.
in your own way.. I guess.
I feel like I let us down.
But I couldn’t understand you.
I couldn’t understand the anger and all the blame.
Where did that come from?
Did I do this to you?
What had I done but try to be supportive and helpful?
I was so shocked that all this was happening.
was…. am… yes, I still do not understand.
The other thing is, I can’t even tell you this.
I can’t say goodbye or even ask why
It is out of my hands.
You ended up putting it all in someone else’s hands.
When you get the police involved other services come.
Hand in hand they walk trying to help but adding to the fear.
Not their fault, they are… trying.
So now all I can do is just try to forget,
get over, stop feeling…
A part of me has shut down and now I’m just mom.
Just mom me will keep going…
While she is doing that,
the other me, that lost girl, the emotional one
the one who isn’t out in view now has to find her way…
She doesn’t really want anyone near her.
She just wants to hide in her bed and dream of some other life
that could have been.
Isn’t that what she does?
She hopes that her tomorrow will be better.
I hate being sad.