When it is over.

Today I packed up the last of your things.
It hurt me.
It felt like I was saying goodbye to my future.
In a way, I guess I was.
The future I had seen in my mind with us..
it is packed up in there.
It hurts so much knowing that I was trying so hard.
and that under all the crazy,
I know that you loved me.
in your own way.. I guess.
I feel like I let us down.
But I couldn’t understand you.
I couldn’t understand the anger and all the blame.
Where did that come from?
Did I do this to you?
What had I done but try to be supportive and helpful?
I was so shocked that all this was happening.
was…. am… yes, I still do not understand.
The other thing is, I can’t even tell you this.
I can’t say goodbye or even ask why
It is out of my hands.
You ended up putting it all in someone else’s hands.
When you get the police involved other services come.
Hand in hand they walk trying to help but adding to the fear.
Not their fault, they are… trying.
So now all I can do is just try to forget,
get over, stop feeling…
A part of me has shut down and now I’m just mom.
Just mom me will keep going…
While she is doing that,
the other me, that lost girl, the emotional one
the one who isn’t out in view now has to find her way…
She doesn’t really want anyone near her.
She just wants to hide in her bed and dream of some other life
that could have been.
Isn’t that what she does?
She hopes that her tomorrow will be better.
I hate being sad.

Am I creative?

What makes a person creative??

This was the very first question that was posed to me for the start of this “Methods of Design” course at Full Sail.  My first class for 2016.  I sat there and stared at the screen for a long time just wondering, “Is it actually what I think it is?” and okay, lots of ground this could cover.

I mean seriously, What “does” make a person creative?  I  mean, everyone is creative in some sense, aren’t we?

Well, being the total nerd that I am the first place I went was m-w.com (or http://www.merriam-webster.com/) though I’ve always just remembered to type the first thing.  Lazy I guess.

Merriam-Webster said:

creative

adjective cre·a·tive \krē-ˈā-tiv, ˈkrē-ˌ\

Simple Definition of creative

  • : having or showing an ability to make new things or think of new ideas

  • : using the ability to make or think of new things : involving the process by which new ideas, stories, etc., are created

  • : done in an unusual and often dishonest way

This part caught my eye “using the ability to make or think of new things”.  So, having an idea really isn’t being creative until you put that thought into action or is it until you put it down on paper?  Are you creative just because you think of really cool things and spout them off to everyone? Well, maybe that just makes you a creative thinker and not a creative doer….

I think what makes a person creative ends up being is what inspires that person to act.   A person becomes creative when he (or she) takes that little idea running around in their dreams at night and turning it into reality.

So, am I creative?  I guess if you can call my poetic ramblings, scribbles on paper and this blog a product of my creativity than yes, by definition, I’m pretty creative.  Other than that, I’m basically just a little crazy and willing to put myself out there.

Oh, speaking about that…. it also asked, “if creativity could be taught.” This is something I am learning myself.  Someone prompted me towards a book called “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron.  This book is a little “out there” in a sense where it takes you on a spiritual path to opening yourself up to remembering how to be creative.  So if you aren’t really into that kind of thing or open to seeing things from that perspective it probably isn’t for you.  I’m enjoying reading it so far.

There was this quote by Pablo Picasso that I liked in it that said:

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”

Emily's Creative Child
I like thinking that there is a little Emily locked inside begging to come out and play again.  It gives me hope that there is more to my existence than just this 45-year-old mom who happens to be disabled and bored.

~~~talk to you later~~~

Oh, for this class I also had to make a site for my school work.  You can check it out at http://emilyjsmall.blogspot.com/   Presently it just shows the beginnings of my second assignment that involves taking a work of art that I wouldn’t hang on my wall and making it into something I find more aesthetically (I totally spelled this wrong like 3 times.  Thanks, Grammarly  for fixing it for me. ) pleasing.

~em

about me… what…

The Sun

So I was looking at my “about.me” page and asking myself what the heck do I even write on this thing.  I mean seriously, what IS there about me that would possibly be all that interesting to anyone.  I mean anyone can list out things…

  • Who am I?
  • How old am I?
  • What have I done?
  • Where am I going?
  • Where have I been?

Geesh, that is soooo much to put on one page.  It really can’t be done and honestly, I wouldn’t want to read all that, and if I have to read all that, do I even want to bother getting to  know the person because what would I have to talk to them for?  I “already” would know everything.  Besides, I really am not just one page of things. That and I’m something different every single day.

Today I might be more of a 3D modeler (out of necessity simply because I’m going through the class presently in school! 🙂  ) whereas tomorrow I’m more of a “Mom – the kpop streamer” (Yes, I’m THAT girl!) or, “the dancing chef” while I make food in the kitchen with my wireless headphones on, or “the mad painter” as I work covered in acrylics by my easel hoping to actually get some on the canvas or I might even be “the little seamstress” as I work on the jackets I plan to make for an upcoming concert… or the … well you get the point.

There is no “one” me in my about.me.  I guess I do not like being put in a box, or labeled or being told who I am or what I cannot be because of my age, gender, or because of my abilities and/or disabilities, so I tend to keep everything kind of yep, this is what I am doing NOW.

If you want to know more about me.  Just ask 🙂

~Em.

Oh, and update, I “finally” got my Maya to install with the help of one of their customer service.  It only took 5 or 6 of them to get to her.  It turned out to be a verification issue with my school’s email.  Boggle.  Yep, something that easy can bungle everything up.  All is working great now and I’m learning…..s.l.o.w.l.y…..

Finding inspiration in a movie…

Hello Hello!

After doing my homework the other night, I stayed up watching “The Man from Nowhere“.  This is a Korean film that pretty much is a man who ends up fighting for a child who lives next door to him.  It reminded me quite a bit of that movie “Léon: The Professional ” with Natalie Portman as the child.

By the end of the film I was sitting here, so jarred by the experience that I ended up sitting there, sketching the little girl from it.  It isn’t perfect but considering I only started drawing again in the last few months, not too bad… This is how it turned out.

So-mi - The Man from NoWhere.

Today when I logged on my wordpress account here, I found this post by ChristyMendy, called Stick Through It: The Fear of a Creative Career.  In it this young girl is determined to follow her own dreams even though the teachers at her school were negative towards it.  Years later, this girl is now graduating from college with the graphic design degree she wanted.  You have to applaud her success.

For years I allowed the people around me, and my own circumstances dictate what life I was living and what I would do with it.  It is nice to see someone so young find their way.  I can only hope my children will learn this early on like she has.  I wish her much success in her future!! I look forward to seeing where she goes from here.

If I remember I’ll post again soon.

~Em