When it is over.

Today I packed up the last of your things.
It hurt me.
It felt like I was saying goodbye to my future.
In a way, I guess I was.
The future I had seen in my mind with us..
it is packed up in there.
It hurts so much knowing that I was trying so hard.
and that under all the crazy,
I know that you loved me.
in your own way.. I guess.
I feel like I let us down.
But I couldn’t understand you.
I couldn’t understand the anger and all the blame.
Where did that come from?
Did I do this to you?
What had I done but try to be supportive and helpful?
I was so shocked that all this was happening.
was…. am… yes, I still do not understand.
The other thing is, I can’t even tell you this.
I can’t say goodbye or even ask why
It is out of my hands.
You ended up putting it all in someone else’s hands.
When you get the police involved other services come.
Hand in hand they walk trying to help but adding to the fear.
Not their fault, they are… trying.
So now all I can do is just try to forget,
get over, stop feeling…
A part of me has shut down and now I’m just mom.
Just mom me will keep going…
While she is doing that,
the other me, that lost girl, the emotional one
the one who isn’t out in view now has to find her way…
She doesn’t really want anyone near her.
She just wants to hide in her bed and dream of some other life
that could have been.
Isn’t that what she does?
She hopes that her tomorrow will be better.
I hate being sad.

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