My Moment with the Backpack

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     Today I was walking through the bread aisle at our local grocery store and happened to notice that there was a backpack in a cart pushed over to the side of the aisle.  Just sitting there by itself and my daughter looked at it and said. “We should move from this section, you never know…” The way she said it obviously giving off implications that there might be a bomb in this unattended backpack.  This moment stands out to me because I got home and was like, “Why was that so scary?”

At what point did this threat become so real.  I mean prior to being in the military the closest I came to a moment such as this was how the airport would say, “If you see an unattended language please report it,” over the intercom.  (or something to that effect, I never actually worked at the airport and I didn’t go to very many places that involved plane travel so bear with me.)   After serving in the military, which included the Gulf War, I still wasn’t afraid in my own country.

For me it more was post 9/11 that I became aware that the violence could directly affect me and my children.  We were living in Ohio and literally lived next to the airport.  That was a very real fear at the time.  Now it seems silly.  Looking back we would have been fine had I stayed in Ohio, in my comfy 3 story condo. (mourn the loss)  I think living here in Massachusetts it was more the Boston Marathon incident that made it so personal and that these things could happen close to us.

Going back to that moment in the grocery store, there was that fear.  I think many people might have this sitting in the back of their minds and now and again it pops up.  My mind goes to a world that turns from this overstocked markets to one where we are wartorn, carrying around weapons and trading our possessions just to feed our families.

It is then that I realize that for some people THAT is their reality. That this exists in the world and that we would turn away people who are running from that life makes me sad.  Sad as a person.  Sad as a mother.  That it seems like that underlying fear that now rests there in the back of our minds tells us that it is okay that we act like that.  That we need to take care of our country, our families.  Do I deny that I want to do that? No, of course I want to help those close to me and around me, but I also want to be able to look back at my life and know that I was a good person, that I tried to be a positive being in this universe.

So yeah, just some thoughts I had in my head that I figured I would share.

~Em

When it is over.

Today I packed up the last of your things.
It hurt me.
It felt like I was saying goodbye to my future.
In a way, I guess I was.
The future I had seen in my mind with us..
it is packed up in there.
It hurts so much knowing that I was trying so hard.
and that under all the crazy,
I know that you loved me.
in your own way.. I guess.
I feel like I let us down.
But I couldn’t understand you.
I couldn’t understand the anger and all the blame.
Where did that come from?
Did I do this to you?
What had I done but try to be supportive and helpful?
I was so shocked that all this was happening.
was…. am… yes, I still do not understand.
The other thing is, I can’t even tell you this.
I can’t say goodbye or even ask why
It is out of my hands.
You ended up putting it all in someone else’s hands.
When you get the police involved other services come.
Hand in hand they walk trying to help but adding to the fear.
Not their fault, they are… trying.
So now all I can do is just try to forget,
get over, stop feeling…
A part of me has shut down and now I’m just mom.
Just mom me will keep going…
While she is doing that,
the other me, that lost girl, the emotional one
the one who isn’t out in view now has to find her way…
She doesn’t really want anyone near her.
She just wants to hide in her bed and dream of some other life
that could have been.
Isn’t that what she does?
She hopes that her tomorrow will be better.
I hate being sad.

Am I creative?

What makes a person creative??

This was the very first question that was posed to me for the start of this “Methods of Design” course at Full Sail.  My first class for 2016.  I sat there and stared at the screen for a long time just wondering, “Is it actually what I think it is?” and okay, lots of ground this could cover.

I mean seriously, What “does” make a person creative?  I  mean, everyone is creative in some sense, aren’t we?

Well, being the total nerd that I am the first place I went was m-w.com (or http://www.merriam-webster.com/) though I’ve always just remembered to type the first thing.  Lazy I guess.

Merriam-Webster said:

creative

adjective cre·a·tive \krē-ˈā-tiv, ˈkrē-ˌ\

Simple Definition of creative

  • : having or showing an ability to make new things or think of new ideas

  • : using the ability to make or think of new things : involving the process by which new ideas, stories, etc., are created

  • : done in an unusual and often dishonest way

This part caught my eye “using the ability to make or think of new things”.  So, having an idea really isn’t being creative until you put that thought into action or is it until you put it down on paper?  Are you creative just because you think of really cool things and spout them off to everyone? Well, maybe that just makes you a creative thinker and not a creative doer….

I think what makes a person creative ends up being is what inspires that person to act.   A person becomes creative when he (or she) takes that little idea running around in their dreams at night and turning it into reality.

So, am I creative?  I guess if you can call my poetic ramblings, scribbles on paper and this blog a product of my creativity than yes, by definition, I’m pretty creative.  Other than that, I’m basically just a little crazy and willing to put myself out there.

Oh, speaking about that…. it also asked, “if creativity could be taught.” This is something I am learning myself.  Someone prompted me towards a book called “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron.  This book is a little “out there” in a sense where it takes you on a spiritual path to opening yourself up to remembering how to be creative.  So if you aren’t really into that kind of thing or open to seeing things from that perspective it probably isn’t for you.  I’m enjoying reading it so far.

There was this quote by Pablo Picasso that I liked in it that said:

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”

Emily's Creative Child
I like thinking that there is a little Emily locked inside begging to come out and play again.  It gives me hope that there is more to my existence than just this 45-year-old mom who happens to be disabled and bored.

~~~talk to you later~~~

Oh, for this class I also had to make a site for my school work.  You can check it out at http://emilyjsmall.blogspot.com/   Presently it just shows the beginnings of my second assignment that involves taking a work of art that I wouldn’t hang on my wall and making it into something I find more aesthetically (I totally spelled this wrong like 3 times.  Thanks, Grammarly  for fixing it for me. ) pleasing.

~em

Just there on the desk…

Last night I finished my final presentation for my 3D Foundations Class (which basically taught me the basic of using the Maya application.)  I had to take 4 of the models that I created from image references, UV them, Bake an Ambient Occlusion on them and then import them into a scene.  Then had to take an artistic render image of this.  So, for a program I started the month of August knowing almost nothing about I think I did pretty well.

This is how that turned out.  I don’t know how “artsy” the picture I took is, but at least I got the silly models to stop glowing!  Apparently when I imported them I forgot to move some files beforehand and Maya did some funny stuff.
Small_Emily_Render_3DF_1508
so, I made the teapot, the fork, the candlestick and the spray can.  Slowly but surely I “will” learn this and be good at it!! *laughs*  ah well….

This month I have Art Fundamentals 2 … so you’ll get to see my lame attempts at drawing humanoids… I’m weeping over here just a bit, as the thought terrifies me. Give me some confidence k?

I used the picture to inspire some writing…. enjoy ❤

Today I thought about all the things on my desk,
the teapot you bought for me from somewhere out west.
There’s that stolen fork from the dive where we happened to meet.
Your friends thought it was funny, that you bought a stranger a treat.
Even the can of red spray paint is sitting on there.
Remember we used it to draw that heart at the faire.
I have that candlestick holder there as well.
It’s flawed just a little, but it makes my heart swell.
To remember the candle that was in it that day.
That united us together in such a special way.
So random the things I have on this desk.
But they remind me of us, so I like them the best.

Till next time…. ~em

If you see it…

I wrote this for an All Poetry new member contest, which I do not think I won honestly but I thought it was cute enough to share with you all…  basically we had to choose from a series of pictures and write something original for it. This was the picture I chose…

Picture 8 – Picture Credit – © beyond/Corbis

and here is the poem.  I gave the poem the title “If you see it”, which once you read it you will totally understand.

———————————————————–

have you seen my heart
it was lost to me
for I gave it away
oh so easily

where did it go
you must wonder I see
it was to a man who was
so much cuter than me

He wasn’t the right one
though I was so sure it was him
you’ll see when I tell you
oh how to begin…

the things he said
yes they seemed so right
the moments we shared
they blinded my sight

we danced under the stars
and toasted to the moon
a pretty little melody
that ended all too soon

so if you see it,
this lost heart of mine
just give me a call
pull a tab, drop a line.

———————————————————–

Let me know what you think 🙂

~Em

about me… what…

The Sun

So I was looking at my “about.me” page and asking myself what the heck do I even write on this thing.  I mean seriously, what IS there about me that would possibly be all that interesting to anyone.  I mean anyone can list out things…

  • Who am I?
  • How old am I?
  • What have I done?
  • Where am I going?
  • Where have I been?

Geesh, that is soooo much to put on one page.  It really can’t be done and honestly, I wouldn’t want to read all that, and if I have to read all that, do I even want to bother getting to  know the person because what would I have to talk to them for?  I “already” would know everything.  Besides, I really am not just one page of things. That and I’m something different every single day.

Today I might be more of a 3D modeler (out of necessity simply because I’m going through the class presently in school! 🙂  ) whereas tomorrow I’m more of a “Mom – the kpop streamer” (Yes, I’m THAT girl!) or, “the dancing chef” while I make food in the kitchen with my wireless headphones on, or “the mad painter” as I work covered in acrylics by my easel hoping to actually get some on the canvas or I might even be “the little seamstress” as I work on the jackets I plan to make for an upcoming concert… or the … well you get the point.

There is no “one” me in my about.me.  I guess I do not like being put in a box, or labeled or being told who I am or what I cannot be because of my age, gender, or because of my abilities and/or disabilities, so I tend to keep everything kind of yep, this is what I am doing NOW.

If you want to know more about me.  Just ask 🙂

~Em.

Oh, and update, I “finally” got my Maya to install with the help of one of their customer service.  It only took 5 or 6 of them to get to her.  It turned out to be a verification issue with my school’s email.  Boggle.  Yep, something that easy can bungle everything up.  All is working great now and I’m learning…..s.l.o.w.l.y…..

ah… the joys of Maya 2016….

So…. yeah….

It’s Tuesday, and I was all excited because my first class in 3-D Fundamentals was today.  Woot!  Not so woot, was trying to get Autodesk’s Maya 2016 to install.  Now, I already had Maya 2014, but apparently for this class I need the 2016 version.  Being that I have been a computer girl for 20+ years I figured, sure, NO problem, I’m so on this…. so I hopped over to the site, snagged my student edition with my newly created license.  Downloaded, (which took WAYYYYY longer than it should have) then proceeded to install..(again, way long)

So it’s installed, I’m psyched because I got it done hours before my class so yeah, I’ll be able to at least learn the UI and fiddle with some of the controls before class… Everyone likes to at least know what’s going on right?

Wrong…

Huge wrong….

big time, not going to happen, you’ve been played, “the cake is a lie” kind of wrong.

It refuses to activate the product, it does not like any of my product keys, it says files do not exist.  So for the next four + hours of my life, I’m on the phone with my school tech support, Autodesk live support, Autodesk email support (because of course they do not want to give me a live person to rant at about their wondrous product), hours later, I’m sitting here yet again, uninstalling the product, so I can attempt to create a “new” account, so I can get a “new” license, so I can download a “new” copy of this program.  This was at the suggestion of the 4th Autodesk tech I had the pleasure of dealing with today.  Hopefully this will fix it on my Windows PC, tomorrow I’ll worry about putting this product on my Macbook.

Can I go crawl into a corner and cry for awhile?

Oh, I did get one copy installed enough so I can use the “try me” version on my windows PC for class, during which I got a bunch of virtual cookies (Apparently that’s this professor’s thing!! Thankies ( 감사합니다 ) to Professor Bagsby @ Full Sail ) I learned quite a bit and even got to show my screen, though I did learn I have NO clue how to rotate when my hand is shaking cause I got stage fright!

for the record the chocolate ones were the best!

[image represented not the actual one given, as they were consumed upon digital receipt, this one is from Baking with Basil, Brooke, 2010]

Sadly, I’ll be continuing to work on this tonight, but I thought I would share my glorious first adventure with Maya 2016! Maybe I’ll update the page if I ever figure this out!  Maybe it might help out some other unfortunate soul.

I’ll leave you with my current screen.

~~ Until next time~~

Em